i am so tired of feeling like this. i dont know what i want who i want or where i want to be. just when i think things are settling down something else happens and it leaves me scratching my head. why is the human race the way it is?  why do we insist on ruining people or not help people. it was amazing to watch this guy get hit by a car and not a single person stopped. also why do people insist on causing problems at work at home everywhere. why cant everyone just be nice and if not stay the fuck to youself? why do people have to lie whats the point when you know you'll get caught.

i came home last night and my neighbor was parked on my lawn unbelievable. i mean come on get real how bout i go over and take a shit on your lawn. what the hell do people think?  also why is it that when you think you have friends you find out that at least one of them if not more are backstabbing little fucks that you cant trust. let alone confide in cause they cant keep there mouth shut. then you have a friend that you want more from and you know that's not a chance. first of all your in a relationship second off thats not what the other person wants. fuck buddy yes relationship no. its killing me dont get me wrong i love the one im with just different feelings between the two.  its like im being torn in two different directions. is it the whole i want you cause i cant have you or soemthing else entirely. i dont want it to be anything else i want it to be simple  unfortanatly i know damn well its not simple. there are so many ways that i feel about him and sometimes its cool and i can ignore it other times i dont want to ignore it i want to do something about it. i wont thats not who i am though. i have only ever cheated once while in a relationship and i felt horrible i wont do it again but it's really testing my control.

i dont know what to do ive kinda told him how i feel i want to tell him more but dont want to fuck up my relationship with him that we have. but i want him to know that if there was a chance it would be on. i dont want him to feel bad that i feel this way i dont want him to think it was his fault it wasnt it just happened. unfortunatley i know that if he were to know exactly how i feel he would back away. I DONT WANT THAT. i want to know that if i tell him hell be okay with it. he wont poke or prode hell just accept that hes a great guy and that its not to hard to imagine someoen falling in love with him.

he's kinda like me when it comes to feelings and emotions at least what we think about ourselves. people say im prettyu bullshit ive always been ugly ive got an awesome personality though. ive always been ugly  i dotn think much of myself as for as looks go never have never will. i have this stupid gap in between my two front teeth that i hate. plan to get it fixed. i dont have any breasts and my stomach is no longer flat its fat which im working on. ugh i hate my life and body. i just dont know what to do. part of me wants to run at least when im on the road i dont make attachments to people who can hurt me. if i stay on the road then i wont gget to know anyone either they cant get to know me and things are perfect. what is the point to life i dont fucking get it and i dont want to be around anymore!!!!